Sex Addiction Blogs

Is “Looking” an Addiction?

When Looking Becomes Compulsive

In my work as a sex addiction counselor, I often see men who describe themselves as “overactive lookers.” There’s an important difference between simply noticing someone attractive and looking with compulsive energy:

• Noticing is a brief, passing awareness.
• Compulsive looking feels impossible to stop. It often comes with objectifying thoughts—reducing someone to body parts (“Look at that”)—and happens automatically, without conscious awareness.

Partners often notice this behavior and report feeling disrespected, compared, or even invisible. This is where looking can become part of an addictive cycle.

Why Looking Matters in Porn and Sex Addiction

Looking itself can act as a form of “pre-ritual” in porn addiction or sex addiction recovery. For example:

• A man addicted to pornography may scan women in public, then later search for porn that matches what he saw.
• Looking becomes a tool that fuels the cycle of obsession, objectification, and acting out.

Recognizing that looking is more than “just noticing” is the first step in breaking free from compulsive patterns. In porn addiction recovery, we work to raise awareness and provide tools to stop these behaviors before they escalate.

Practical Tools to Manage Compulsive Looking

Here are three strategies I use with clients in sex addiction counseling:

1. The Two-Second Rule

If you catch yourself looking, allow one glance—up to two seconds—then stop. This creates a boundary around an otherwise unconscious habit. It may feel juvenile, but most compulsive looking behaviors started in childhood. Setting limits works.

2. “Other Women’s Bodies Are Not My Business”

Many men describe feeling like they “have to” look. A helpful mantra is:

“She is not my business. She doesn’t know me. She didn’t dress for me. She isn’t inviting my attention.”

This reframes the behavior, reminding you that you don’t owe the look—and it’s not yours to take.

3. Humanize Her: She Is a Person

Objectification fuels compulsive looking. Instead of thinking look at those legs or that butt, remind yourself:

• She is someone’s daughter.
• She is someone’s partner, sister, or mother.
• She is a whole person, not an object.

Humanizing interrupts the addictive pattern and reconnects you to empathy.

Letting Go of Sex Addiction: Breaking Up With Your Addict

Why Letting Go Feels So Hard

For many, sex addiction isn’t just about sex—it’s about soothing pain, escaping stress, or filling an inner emptiness. Letting go can feel terrifying because it means losing the “medicine” you’ve leaned on for so long.

Common fears include:

• “If I stop, I won’t know how to handle my emotions.”
• “I’ll never have a healthy sex life again.”
• “I’ll fail, so why try?”

These fears are natural. But recovery teaches us that life beyond addiction isn’t empty—it’s richer, more connected, and more authentic.

What Letting Go Really Means

Letting go of sex addiction isn’t about never feeling desire again. It’s about creating a healthy relationship with your sexuality—one that serves your values, relationships, and sense of self.

Letting go means:

• Releasing the illusion of control.
• Facing the deeper feelings beneath the acting out.
• Choosing connection over isolation.
• Finding healthier ways to meet your needs for intimacy, stress relief, and self-worth.

Masturbation During Recovery: What You Need to Know

One of the most common questions men ask me in recovery from sex or pornography addiction is:

“Can I masturbate during recovery?”

It’s a natural question, and behind it are deeper concerns: Will it set me back? How do I know if it’s healthy or harmful?

To answer, let’s first understand the difference between the physical act and the patterns that can make it problematic.

Defining Key Terms

• Masturbation: Erotic self-stimulation of one’s genitals, usually leading to orgasm. This can involve manual touch, fantasies, or even tools and aids.
• Addiction: A state of being enslaved to a habit or substance to the point where stopping causes distress or trauma.
• Compulsion: An irresistible urge to act, often irrational and against one’s own long-term well-being.

Notice the contrast here: masturbation itself is a behavior, while addiction and compulsion describe a loss of control.

Why the Distinction Matters

In recovery, the goal is not simply to remove behaviors but to regain freedom of choice. Masturbation, in and of itself, is not inherently addictive or compulsive. The challenge comes when it is:

• Used to avoid feelings like loneliness, stress, or shame.
• Practiced excessively, interfering with relationships, work, or health.
• Driven by compulsive urges, leaving you feeling powerless or guilty afterward.

When masturbation becomes an escape or an automatic reflex, it can reinforce the same patterns that fuel addiction.

The Role of Intention

The answer often depends on intention.

Some therapists describe healthy masturbation as an inward-focused act—tuning into one’s body and sensations—rather than relying on pornography, fantasy, or distraction. For example, one psychotherapist noted that many of her female clients tend to approach masturbation this way: grounded in body awareness rather than escape.

By contrast, many men I see in recovery don’t masturbate without porn, fantasy, or using it as an escape from stress, loneliness, or boredom. In these cases, the act often becomes less about connecting with one’s body and more about avoiding feelings.

Another way to view “healthy” masturbation is as making love to oneself. But for someone struggling with compulsive sexual behavior, does it really feel that way? Or is it simply channeling unmet emotions into a sexual outlet?

Personalizing Recovery

Every person’s journey is unique. Some find that total abstinence during recovery helps them reset their relationship with sexuality. Others are able to slowly reintroduce masturbation in mindful, intentional ways without falling back into compulsive habits.

Questions you might ask yourself:

• Am I choosing this freely, or does it feel like a “must”?
• Does this act leave me feeling more connected—or more isolated?
• Is this aligned with the goals I have for my recovery and my relationships?

Your honest answers can guide whether masturbation is a helpful or harmful part of your recovery.

Partners of Sex Addiction

Part 1: Understanding the Addiction

Loving someone who struggles with compulsive sexual behavior or sex addiction can feel devastating. You may wonder: Why isn’t my love enough? Why can’t they just stop? What does this mean about me and our relationship? These questions are natural, and they often come with deep feelings of betrayal, grief, and confusion.

What Compulsive Sexual Behavior Is (and Isn’t)

Compulsive sexual behavior—sometimes referred to as sex addiction—is not simply about desire, lust, or a lack of commitment. It’s a pattern of behavior that feels uncontrollable, often used to cope with stress, shame, loneliness, or unresolved pain.

For your partner, the behavior has become a way to self-soothe, even if it causes harm to themselves or those they love. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it does explain why “just stopping” isn’t realistic without real recovery work.

Common Partner Emotions

If you are the partner, you may experience:

• Shock and betrayal when secrets come to light.
• Confusion about what’s true and what isn’t.
• Self-doubt, wondering if you are “enough.”
• Anger, resentment, and grief at the broken trust.

All of these are normal and valid. You did not cause this, and your worth is not defined by your partner’s choices.

First Step: Understanding

Recovery begins with understanding what’s really happening. By naming the behavior for what it is, you can start separating your value and your relationship from the addiction itself. Knowledge gives you the clarity you need to begin making decisions that protect your well-being.

Part 2: Boundaries and Self-Care for Partners

Once you understand what compulsive sexual behavior is, the next step is learning how to protect yourself while your partner begins (or resists) recovery.

Why Boundaries Matter

Boundaries are not punishments—they are ways of saying, “This is what I need in order to feel safe.” Without them, it’s easy to get swept up in fear, anger, or monitoring your partner’s every move. Boundaries give you solid ground to stand on.

Examples of healthy boundaries might include:

• Transparency: Expecting openness about recovery efforts or finances.
• Respectful communication: Refusing to tolerate lies, manipulation, or gaslighting.
• Your own support: Attending therapy or groups like S-Anon, regardless of your partner’s participation.

Self-Care Is Not Selfish

When you’ve been hurt, your nervous system often lives in fight-or-flight mode. Caring for yourself helps restore balance. That might look like:

• Talking to a therapist who understands compulsive sexual behavior.
• Practicing mindfulness, journaling, or physical activity.
• Spending time with friends who offer safe, nonjudgmental support.

Let Go of Policing

Many partners fall into “detective mode”—checking phones, following online activity, or setting traps. While understandable, this often drains you and rarely leads to healing. True change must come from your partner’s commitment, not your surveillance.

By setting clear boundaries and prioritizing your healing, you reclaim power and dignity in a painful situation.

What Rebuilding Trust Looks Like

Staying, Leaving, or Redefining the Relationship

Your Healing Matters

I'm Getting Better...Why Isn't My Relationship?

I'm getting better...why isn't my relationship?